How to Enjoy Airport Security

If you follow me on twitter, you know I travel quite a bit. A lot of people find air travel frustrating and uncomfortable. But it doesn’t have to be. It can be amusing and relaxing as long as you do a little prep in advance.

1. Don’t wear panties. After a few hours sitting in an airplane seat, they inevitably start crawling up your ass. Dispense with them anyway, you’ll see why.

2. Don’t wear a bra. The bouncing might be a little uncomfortable on the concourse, but you’ll thank me once you’re trying to squirm around in the vain pursuit of a few hours sleep with your head crammed against the bulkhead. Also, it plays into my cunning plan.

3. Wear a heavy coat, but very lightweight clothing. It’s comfy, it breathes, you don’t wake up jetlagged and feeling like you’ve been strangled, body-wide, for the last eight hours. Plus there are added benefits.

4. Before you check in, put all metal objects, and your coat into your suitcase. You can pull them out at the other end.

5. When you get to the security line-up, before putting your shit through the scanner, give your nipples a really good hard pinch. Yup, you want them flagrantly at attention come patdown time. Yes, of course people will stare, but hell – you don’t know them and they don’t know you – what do you care if they think you’re weird?

6. Put all your stuff in those little slidey plastic things, but TAKE YOUR TIME. After all, you’re at the airport early, what’s your hurry. And you wouldn’t want anything to get crushed, now, would you?

7. When requested, step through the metal detector. If you’ve followed my instructions, it won’t beep because you don’t have any metal on you. Security people hate this. It makes them feel like their machine must not be working, because that fucker is constantly going off at pocket change and underwires.

8. Now, when they ask you to come forward to pat you down, do it with a smile. Imagine that the person who is patting you down is the person you have always wanted to fuck.

9. Stand with your legs slightly apart and your arms outstretched. SMILE. Arch that back, show them those obviously erect nipples.

10. When the patdown starts, begin to moan breathily.

11. As it progresses, or as they pat down your hips, moan louder and wriggle a little.

12. They’ll say: Please stay still ma’am.

13. Respond with: I just can’t help it. This feels so good. I haven’t been touched like this in years.

14. The rest of the pat down is going to be cursory at best. Stand there, looking a little disappointed, even after they’ve finished. Force them to tell you to move on.

15. Remember to thank the kind security people!

16. If you found that this DID actually turn you on, you have plenty of time to look for a public washroom and take care of your itch. And hey, no panties, so much easier to get the job done quick.

17. Now, when you board the plane, you’re feeling relaxed, comfortable, and just a little sleepy from the orgasm.

18. Sitting in your seat will be wonderfully comfortable and cozy, because you’re not wearing anything that binds.

19. Avoid alcohol, it dries you out and makes you feel like shit when you land.

20. Drink lots of water. Keep asking for it. They’ll get bored of giving you those little plastic glasses and bring you a bottle after a while.

Bon Voyage.

P.S. I realize this is mostly aimed at women, but if you’re male, you might want to fluff a little just before hitting the security checkpoint. They’re going to want you out of there fast when they see that massive boner.